Sometimes I feel that my biggest enemy at times
is myself.
There are many things I believe so strongly and so fiercely, but somehow I lead myself to feel otherwise.
I was just thinking the other day about
my faith. I don't really talk a lot about it on here. Sometimes I wonder why.
Because I will be judged? Because I don't feel worthy enough? Because people might think different of me? Because I'm not good at words? That needs to change. Because
I am changing.
Over the past few months I've taking a big leap in changing something very small,
yet so huge. I started this book called
A Purpose Driven Life.
Before Jeff & I went on vacation to Boston I wanted a book to read on the plane and all that I had to choose from were the ones on his bookshelf. It was either
The Purpose Driven Life, books about sports, or books about being successful in business. The choice was a no-brainer.
So I took the book, boarded that plane, and from that day forward....my mind has
began to change. Slowly, but steadily.
I realized this today. I was in class working with a student that truly frustrates me to no end. I cannot reach this child, no matter what I have tried. It just doesn't work and I always feel helpless and disappointed. I will not give up, but I just have not won that never ending battle.
So today I was helping him with Math. He got so frustrated and extremely angry when he came across a problem he didn't know how to do. So angry that a pencil was sacrificed in the process. I tried to help. He tuned me out, and spoke the exact opposite of sweet nothings to me. I kept trying. And trying. I tried everything I've ever learned in school to do in those situations.
Nope. No budging.
My insides were heating up, and I could feel myself just getting pissed off and disappointed. All I honestly wanted to do was cry. I kept feeling like I failed. Like
I completely sucked at what I was doing, and even for a split second I asked God if this was truly for me. I was so extremely mad at the situation, I just had to walk away. I knew if I was in the seat for a second longer I would give him the worst thing he needed, and that was an enemy..someone who was not patient, nor understanding.
Even in the midst of my complete anger and frustration, I stepped back and just thought. While I was working with him I just
prayed for strength. Even though the situation
did not in fact get better, my thought process and mind was in fact,
changing.
I don't know what {if any} religion you are, but all I have to say if you are in the same position as I was you
really should read that book. My position in regards to a Catholic/Christian who knew my faith, but never knew what to do about it or with it. I had a title, without a purpose.
I can't explain what it has done, and I have a lifetime to go...but it is slowly...very slowly, changing me. And my heart is continuing to be inspired.
& these are usually the posts I write all up and never post....here goes nothin'
